Rules for Dating a SEAL's daughter:

The following is a revision of Rules for Dating a Marine's Daughter, which I'm sure most of you have read. While I agree with some of the previous author's statements, I find it difficult to completely relate to a Marine. Don't get me wrong, I have much respect for my brothers-in-green. I just think SEALs are wired differently.

RULES FOR DATING A SEAL's DAUGHTER:

1. Not happenning.

The End


Just kidding! I realize my daughters are going to date, but odds are it won't be with YOU and hopefully not at all until I'm dead. Actually when my daughters start dating, it probably WILL kill me. Yeah, I know I'm sentimental, but if you don't understand why, then you don't need to be seeing my daughter...so, beat it!

Okay, back to the rules:

1. If you pull into my driveway in one of those little hot-rod-rice-burning-punk-ass cars, get your head down. I will be blowing your tires out with my shot gun and I'd truly hate for you to get fragged. On the rims is the only way that car is gonna drive slow enough for any of MY girls to ride in it. Oh yeah, if your daddy has a problem with me shooting your tires out, send him to talk to me, so I can slap the crap out of him for letting his idiot son get on the road in an unsafe vehicle.

And oh yeah, what the Marine said about honking.

2. On this one, I am a little more lenient than the Marine. I don't care if you wear a hat in my house. It's probably best, since your hair is probably fixed in some freak-ass idiot style. But you have two choices: Wear it straight forward or straight back. If it's crooked off to one side, I will assume your neck is bent and I will staighten it.

3. On this rule, the Marine is too soft. You do not touch my daughter in front of me, and as a matter of fact, I highly discourage any touching when I'm not around. See...what you don't realize is that, when I'm "not around", this just means you can't SEE me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them and any other part that has fouled her angelic aora. For your safety and my daughter's happiness, I recommend a one foot separation at all times.

4. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. The Marine said he would try to be "open-minded" and "compromise" with today's fad standards. @!#$ that! Anyone steps into my yard wearing his clothes like a YO! MTV RAPS GANGSTA, and I will assume he's there to rob me and I will shoot him in the FACE!

5. The next rule is about sex...let's just cut the bullshit, shall we? SEX or the attempt of SEX with any of my daughters means you wake up in the middle of the night, bound, weighted, and being rolled over the side of my ZODIAC into some unknown body of deep water. (You think that's funny?) Don't laugh, I have thought of how I'd execute that op since BUD/S. Just ask Petey and OB-1...they vowed to help if I ever needed them.

6. Okay, the MARINE said all he wanted to hear from you is the word "early". He said he was not interested in your interest. You'll be happy to hear that I feel different. I am VERY interested. You see, I have no sons and by the time my daughters are dating, I will be ready for a little male interaction. The problem for you is that if your interests aren't similar to mine, I'll make sure my daughters kick you to the curb in a hurry. No since in waisting any time with dorks and freaks, when a nice, interesting, fairly tough, upstanding potential son-in-law is out there somewhere.

7. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? I left this one alone. My friend the Marine is pretty right on with the previous statement.

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter (My ellaborations are in parentheses):

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool (Whatever there is to sit on, make sure you're pulling it out for my daughter and allowing her to sit first).

Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight (Don't worry, I'll make sure you are always followed by some form of law enforcement).

Places where there is darkness (Actually I prefer the dark. You won't know I'm there).

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness (Actually, my daughter better be as happy as three-peckered goat. I couldn't care less about you.)

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat (Also, places where it is cold enough to make her think of snuggling for warmth).

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay (You just watch whatever she wants to watch...that means you'll be watching "Barbie the Fairy Princess" and that is ok).

Hockey games are okay.

Old folks homes are better.

9. Do not lie to me. Whatever you think you know about me. Whatever assumptions you've made about my resolve. Whatever you have heard about SEALs in the past. Consider that knowledge useless. If BUD/S taught me anything, it was that I can do anything. If my daughter says, "Don't worry about him, he won't do anything", I highly recommend that you listen to that little alarm bell going off in your head. It's your survival instict screaming that you don't know your "that man" as well as you think. Never underestimate me, because I assure you I don't. And the second you think you have me beaten, you lose, because I'll never quit. When it comes to my daughters, victory and their happiness is the ONLY option.